they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
