Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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