sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
