Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
The best revenge is premature balding
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
