I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
