so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
