Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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