I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
