Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
