I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
