My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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