i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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