there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
