Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
