I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize