So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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