I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
