I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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