How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
