I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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