Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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