I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize