I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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