He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
