Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
