So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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