i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
