I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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