I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize