Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
