Moan for me like Helen Keller
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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