I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
