so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
