I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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