saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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