I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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