i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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