Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
