Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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