My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
