He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
FUCK WHALES
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
