So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
