Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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