they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
