the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
