The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
