Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
