I feel like abortions should bother me more
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
