your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
