Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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