You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
