Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
