Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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