He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize