Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Watching her eat just hurts me
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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