I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
tonight lets celebrate not being married
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
