i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
